Pulling the trigger

Over the past few years I have developed an increasing amount of PTSD and anxiety, so much so, that I would end up at least every other week in the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack. The symptoms mimicked one so well. I really thought it was the end of me.

January of this year ended all of that. I had very expensive tests done to make sure what I was dealing with was truly my anxiety. I have spent a good part of the year working on removing anything that causes me any undue amount of stress or consternation. That meant that I had to walk away from relationships and friendships, and it wasn't easy. For a good bit of my life I always needed answers to my "why's", knowing I may never get them, but pressing for them anyway. The need to know was slowing killing me, mentally and physically. It needed to stop.

Training oneself to rethink and act after 40 plus years is a challenge. But it was a challenge I was willing to take on. Most days I can accept the provocation; most days I'm defeated. I've made it known to anyone in my life what I will and will not entertain. Some people respect this, others not so much. The difficulty I am having, is the more I find the old me, the less people want to be around me. I'm okay with that, especially if it means I have peace. You see the old me would never let anyone use her as a doormat, would never let herself become afraid of what others thought, never let another human being tell her what she's worth. I've allowed all those things to happen simply because I feared being alone, friendless and without family. Fear caused me to lose the most important thing, me!

Slowly, very slowly, things are falling into place. The hiccups of this transformation have been annoying at the least, but not debilitating. I'm still a work in progress, and will be until it's time for my journey. The rest of my life will not be lived with discord of any kind.

In September, I walked (okay ran) away from a 30 year friendship, and it didn't even hurt. It was long overdue. I have no regrets in doing so, and don't think I ever will if I needed to do it again with another person. Pulling the trigger isn't easy, but it's necessary, no matter who is on the other end.

When your peace is the price you have to pay to maintain having someone in your life, it's not worth it.